..the beads and p*sses of dumbo-no-more

another one

After a fantastic time the Perfect Father, Obedient Son and The Holy Spirit....
I will be away for NVAC orientation camp that will begin tmr and ends on thurs.

till then

posted by WILLIAM @ 10:54 PM 0 comments

not worth it

i'm glad we met.
healing is taking place...the power of the Holy Spirit is undeniable.

I'll be away for 5 days (till 22nd June)

dude, i cherish our frenship very much to see it strained.
thank you for ur time too =)

posted by WILLIAM @ 11:05 PM 0 comments

in short...

korean mothers are pretty.

i've been entangled into issues.personal issues.
struggles.so to speak.

posted by WILLIAM @ 7:54 PM 0 comments

a sharp pain

I ran home.
I ran against the wind and instead of tiring myself, my memories whirled into the past, forcing several past images and incidences to return. It is not my intention to hide them or to put them under cover; I want to destroy them or perhaps learn from the past.

I am exposed.
I am exposed to the harsh and true fact of life, of my life, of myself.

I dun like to rake up the ugly portion of my past. They had been crucified and sent away; gone away with the wind. But God had to create a memory, a bank, a space in our brain to store happy, glorious, proud, sad, anguish, jealous and many other incidences as we grow old.

I wonder what went thru my head when I decided to give it up in sec3.
A teenager, a male…I have pride and ego. I study in a school that teaches humility. Does humility and pride clash? Certainly isn’t it? Man’s Pride and God’s humility… u may gasp! But the difference is as far as the east is from the west.
I wonder what went thru my mind when I decided that I cannot make the mark and that the seniors might have just overestimated me AND MY OVER-RATED PR skills.
I stepped down from it and let my him take over… I cannot take the fact that a leader who does not have the skill or ability to control and influence…
“I suck man?!” that must have been what I had thought.
“He’s better. He has the qualification, the skills, the HEIGHT, he can definitely make up his lack of interpersonal skills with all the above…ya, he is able to bring the team to a greater height!” I was hurt.

Give me power and I just love to owe them all

I take pride in each and every achievement when I was in young. I want to win. I dun wanna be a loser. I am a sore loser. I cheated and hid jigsaw puzzle when I was a boy while challenging my sister. I cannot take lost with my stride. I was 4, I think…and my sister was smoothly finishing the jigsaw while I was only half way thru but I felt my ma-pa wasn’t there to help me…win. So I cheated.
In the end, I was reprimanded and was warned.

How MAN-ish
Whatever.

I had my glorious day from p1-6…first in class but I realized there are frens who are better than I was in studies. Lost my position and slipped. whooOooOssh. I fell… but I was till favoured in class and in choir. WHY?! I could sing higher than everyone. I could play the piano. Everytime I hear “Right Here Waiting”, I will think I wishful I had been when I was younger becos I failed to see there were many piano/music experts who would come into my life in DHS.

DHS/MEP…the reason why I went DHS was MEP… over there… I already knew that I cannot excel in studies…but I had choir and singing to keep me going. I had acquaintances whom I thought would become ever-lasting frens. Bullshit off course. Only a few survived.
I grew immensely jealous and lost a huge portion of my ego and self-esteem when I realized I am not “the best” in MEP class. To my horror, in choir…I was placed in Sop2 when the GUYS are in Tenor and Bass. Thank God I was transferred to join the guys soon after. Since my voice range was neither here nor there… I was ‘utilised” whenever required. I couldn’t be a proper bass neither nor a proper tenor. I suck.
BUT
With a God-given gift of light heartedness, smiling and ability to connect to different pple…click so to speak, I was seen as a happy-go-lucky person…WAH.. william was in cloud no 9…He nv seem down. He always chatter and hops around… have u ever thought why I hoped around. Have u thought it was becos whenever I know someone for too long, I know they are much stronger than I am in many areas…I feel dumb?!
Maybe that’s the reason why I’m liked a social butterfly!

Yifan, now u know why I’m so noisy?

I lost in track. I could have gotten in finals if I hadn’t fell 10m from the finishing. I possibly could have secured the one and only gold or silver individual track medal in my life. For that I had myself to blame cos I failed to heed my coach’s advice earlier in the day of the heats. I know I can run…

Went into VJ choir…I felt I was made used. Used as a bait so that my juniors who are vocally stronger than I feel that coming to vjchoir wouldn’t be a bad choice. Rmb I had good relations with many pple back in sec school… why why why… I think ‘kuay’ must have seen that potential in me. Afterall, wk got it in the vj team; not me.
Tenor leader…arh…wk was there and how I wished he was there for every sectional cos he was it and he would have been the better outta the two of us cos he was more charismatic and confident. Boys from boys’ school. Charisma and confidence.

No solo no crap no nothing and no longer active in choir.

Woohoo…ocs was amazing. My dad is proud. Mum too. I am. Still. Times in bmt when I finally no longer hold any responsibility other than a toilet ic, i felt free. Follow instruction and do. Cannot do, kena tekan and suffer…and tat’s it.
Got my bar, went to tekong…and many specs see ocifers as slackers, see us as nsf who takes more pay but do less work…I felt my ps more zai than I was. I felt he could command them as men better than I was. I only had bars. Only those gave me power to control them. Fake. Command respect…those recs were hard to come by.
2ic that time, oso cannot seem to stir and drive the company together. Politics and shit and division and power-struggle within the specs and up in the hqs. Crap.

MY PAINFUL AND SHOCKING LIFESTORY?

Somemore. This post is getting irritatingly draggy.

I dun get offended easily. Nod ur head if u agree!!!

I got hurt.
I feel hurt and ego burst. I dun deny.
I want to deal with it. When a new fren or stranger does smth to prick that boastful and proud ego of mine…I can learn how to take it.

When a close buddy does that…when he spoke with charisma and confidence, even if it is outta kind and helpful intention…in my face, in front of a group of close frens and strangers… I felt how the bitterness of a slit ego. Ugly.
Do u know how it feels to personally feel inadequate and incapable but yet given the chance and power to lead (dhs, vjchoir, raven coy)… I care so much how men look at me “are u sure u can do it”…
“are u the best?”…

Aren’t efficiency and productivity almost the same as having a freaking indemnity form? Isn’t that how the world works? EFFICIENCY, PRODUCTIVITY, CREATIVITY.
Why was I chosen man……u need someone who has ideaSSS… at least one who has experiences in stuff like what I am planning now.
I cannot bear to stop u bcos u were giving really excellent ideas. Quietness doesn’t give birth to ideas. I cannot and do not like to stop/interrupt pple when they seem to be enjoying their conversation in a meeting/on a phone/ while meeting frens over a tea.

I cannot take it but I have. I wanted to end the meeting but I can’t. They were tired alr. and I felt like a total idiot.

I suck at motivational speech…Jesus didn’t need to attend any course, but he could speak with wisdom and motivation; cos he’s God. I am not. When I spoke to rec, I was heartless. When I spoke to yaya participants, I sounded like a boot camp commander. When I spoke to tmt participants then, I was stared at cos I spoke as if they were my men.

I took a while to recover from yaya camp. Some comm. Members of mine were dynamic and I felt they performed better w/o my supervision…It wasn’t my idea of the crazy ubin trail u know. It was painstakingly planned by my buddy…I dun want to take the credit. It suxs to claim credits for things not done by youself. He was running the show. I was given the title. age maybe? I’m older.
Nonetheless…I had my share of joy and benefits out of the camp.


I struggled when I said grace before I consumed a bowl of soup.
Struggle because I know I am not at peace. Giving thanks and asking the Lord to bless the food before me didn’t seem right cos I have not settled the issue.

"This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."

I hafen had much confidence in singing (back up and not lead worship), in running (sports), in piano-playing, in leading in church activities…

Frens who are the closest really do sharpen my character and I believe u all will still continue to do that.

posted by WILLIAM @ 11:57 PM 0 comments

she's the STAR of each gathering...from miss fizah to mdm fizah but she doesn't seemed to have aged! 

posted by WILLIAM @ 2:17 AM 0 comments

with some of my guy frens..extremely pleasant to have 2 malay boys joining the occasion 

posted by WILLIAM @ 2:15 AM 0 comments

those who turned up and stayed for the grp photo...mr pak left. total turn up is about 16 (including mdm fizah)..about a third of the class 

posted by WILLIAM @ 2:14 AM 0 comments

highlighted days

The young adults celebrated my 22nd birthday with a simple and pleasant manner. 3 gentlemen rushed to plaza singapura during fellowship time and they got a yummy chocolate banana cake for me (and them and the rest of my family)
Sweet Andrew did a collage of William and only till then did I realize I am uncomfortable seeing my face again and again on almost every slides… u see William is so so easily embarrassed.

Yingci got back on Friday and we were all excited to welcome him on Sunday.
Like me, he is also the co-leader of the coming church camp but he took up a role of the worship leader for one of the 6-8sessions. Great job! I met up with my church camp grp members... heng got pamela volunteer to do the flag! thanks girl! and evan had brilliantly offered his service to do the script!! thanks dude!! u see the adults seeing there...oso hard to arrow.

After I went for the almost-annual 小学聚会 at boat quay, Minds Café… our frenship has lasted for a decade but many of us still have good head on our shoulders. There were many of them who didn’t speak much when we were back in Griffiths started talking and sharing. Instead of avoiding each other and want to stay in their comfort zone, many of them took steps to communicate and find out what is happening in each others’ lives. Even we had only 4-5 hrs in doing so, I think they did enjoy themselves – talking and boardgaming and a few of them are beginning to fall in love with minds café. All of us have shown signs of aging and maturing except our form teacher.

Had a chance to meet Christina for lunch and told her HOW BUSY I AM.
She advised me to read supplementary Christian books… READDDD...READDD..
I am looking fwd to her coming back covenant to set things right in the music ministry which I think is quite messy too… I dunno much about musicians and their trades but for me the vocal quality of the back-ups need to pull up the socks. Aiyah… every church has its own challenges, big or small, corporate or family.

Right now, I have a few things on my mind… 1. the 2 camps which I have on the last 2 weeks of june…2. musical rehearsal on 1st july. 3. Choosing of modules for yr2.
I dunno what and how much to expect for my first church camp….

Today: 2 appointments, 1 meeting…another long day…

posted by WILLIAM @ 2:12 AM 0 comments

boat quay minds cafe: blokus! 

posted by WILLIAM @ 2:09 AM 0 comments

power packed evening

a group of us went for supper and a couple of them just realised that my birthday was on the 6th..and when they did...i could hear "omen"...and u know why.. i find it disgusting that such a film opens on my birthday.
the big group of us 'celebrated' my 22nd with dimsum...there were 12 of us.and special thanks to andrew boi who treated me to lunch... and spent the afternn with me at minds tog with mark!

had a meeting yday. i had to struggle with the idea of feeling inadequate from time to time when i fail to speak up or be involved in discussion esp so when i am holding a position of a chair. that exaxtly power struggle..i strongly brush it aside..it's more of threatened. threatened cos i cannot participate in discussion. it sux not becos i wanna talk to take the limelight but i feel my inability to catch up or follow their train of thoughts makes...

and i want to conquer this weakness (that had occured last yr too)...and i hope after this aug project, i can take back with me a meaningful experience along with my character strengthened.

posted by WILLIAM @ 1:02 PM 0 comments

22 on 060606

"happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me , happy birthday to MEEEEE, happy birthday to me!"

i got treated shashlik and many other russian cuisines at dimly lited russian restaurant at shaw towers yday... it was a small group of us..but i was very glad cos they are my close buddies. Thank God that u guys were willing to spend so much on a dinner just cos it was my birthday treat... ruth: ur presence is indeed a present..after ryan related how He arranged ur meeting with him at raffles..when ur phone died..and all...ur presence is a present..thanks!
ryan: ur no1 BIG surprise... yeah! our ryan can joke..he DOES joke and very convincing he was when he told us he went to buy a pair of jeans.....(for those who were there can recall rite...)
val!! thanks for turning up..u were so readily to join us for dinner when i asked u over the phone. for a moment, i thought u might want to accompany ur mummy which is not a bad thing..but i appreciate ur presence...

edwin and sharon...we have spoken so much...so much...so much... u two should know how much i treasure the both of u

now it's back to work..esp when i just landed myself as the chairperson for a fund raising activity....

bee buzzing days are back.
thanks for rememberin:

family
jing
zijing
vic
ed
sharon
ryan
val
ruth
eve
zhanyuin
yingci
glenda
jiahuimei
shuzhen
auntie florence
pam & amanda
andrew
joel
diana wee
jacob
shuyi
juliana
yurui
auntie cecilia
tina.....
this yr's birthday dinner with family is simple. i enjoy this new change. beehoon, chicken wings and soup..cake (as desert)...

posted by WILLIAM @ 12:03 PM 0 comments

---"Prayer is not the preparation for greater works. Prayer IS the greater work."---

oh well
I might as well start taking up Jesus's yoke since it's light.
As I semi-readily took up the challenge to lead the group for the 'fund raising' activity, i sense a burst of 'why not..try lah' spirit inside... what a way to put what i studied last semester on group working to practice.
I was delighted yet felt burdened by the statement PEd made..." I've sent one of ........"

I should start doing my daily reading of the bible if i still want to stay close...rooted and firm, as solid as the rock...
Before Jesus serves, He seeks His Father in prayers ALL the time..Jesus didn't just keep doing, He kept praying though..

--"Prayer is not the preparation for greater works. Prayer IS the greater work."---

Father, i pray that my soul is refreshed everyday.

_________

I caught up with a college mate this morning over breakfast. She has backslided and now is coming back on track... I am glad.
We spoke about issues that she faced like when she came across a tv ad on kabbala..(madonna's religion) in the states, how her frens perceive topics like PMS, what my stand on clubbing, drinking (seems like these are a few of the many Christian teens and young adults are facing...needless to say, there are many pple out there haivng id confusion and LOST)..

What she holds precious seems weird in many of her peers' eyes - saving oneself for marriage..
now, pms and smoking are rampant...

keeping it short...i just hope she can establish herself firmly in God, once again.
________

which tuition lobang should i take up? a desperate family whose p6child is studying at yuneng. they boy is failing...and trust me..i would need to drill him like mad...do i have the time and energy? OR a family who lives in tampines but is taking their time considerin whether to engage me or not...p5.

i wonder which day is musical rehearsal... i need to get ready for combined prac on 1st july.

i wonder how the prischool class will turn out.

there are a few things for orientation camp which are not settled. sigh. terrible.

and i have better psyche myself for the first meeting on wed with the newly formed team...

posted by WILLIAM @ 12:06 AM 0 comments

in loving memory of a fren (1984-2006)

these days i have been going to the airport departure hall
first was ting, then stacey, yday was grace and sarah...later today, it'll be colin.
in less than 12 days...i make 4 trips to the world's favourite airport.

another opportunity to learn diving just appeared again.
if i take this up, i'll 'drown' by the number of HATS i am wearing...

my friend whom i hafen met since JC, whom i hafen held a proper conversation since sec3, whom i befriended in Dec 1997...has sadly left this world for Home. She was baptised last week at the hospital... everytime when sucha news reach me...i 'freeze' then many '?'s starts to fill my brain...lastly...before the thawing process starts..my nose and tear gland will respond..

I didn't know how her last lap was...but she was accompanied by her loved ones...for that i am comforted.

I didn't know by taking her away from us back to You can be cruel yet loving when
she's my third friend who passed on due to sickness

posted by WILLIAM @ 1:02 AM 0 comments