a sharp pain
I ran home.I ran against the wind and instead of tiring myself, my memories whirled into the past, forcing several past images and incidences to return. It is not my intention to hide them or to put them under cover; I want to destroy them or perhaps learn from the past.
I am exposed.
I am exposed to the harsh and true fact of life, of my life, of myself.
I dun like to rake up the ugly portion of my past. They had been crucified and sent away; gone away with the wind. But God had to create a memory, a bank, a space in our brain to store happy, glorious, proud, sad, anguish, jealous and many other incidences as we grow old.
I wonder what went thru my head when I decided to give it up in sec3.
A teenager, a male…I have pride and ego. I study in a school that teaches humility. Does humility and pride clash? Certainly isn’t it? Man’s Pride and God’s humility… u may gasp! But the difference is as far as the east is from the west.
I wonder what went thru my mind when I decided that I cannot make the mark and that the seniors might have just overestimated me AND MY OVER-RATED PR skills.
I stepped down from it and let my him take over… I cannot take the fact that a leader who does not have the skill or ability to control and influence…
“I suck man?!” that must have been what I had thought.
“He’s better. He has the qualification, the skills, the HEIGHT, he can definitely make up his lack of interpersonal skills with all the above…ya, he is able to bring the team to a greater height!” I was hurt.
Give me power and I just love to owe them all
I take pride in each and every achievement when I was in young. I want to win. I dun wanna be a loser. I am a sore loser. I cheated and hid jigsaw puzzle when I was a boy while challenging my sister. I cannot take lost with my stride. I was 4, I think…and my sister was smoothly finishing the jigsaw while I was only half way thru but I felt my ma-pa wasn’t there to help me…win. So I cheated.
In the end, I was reprimanded and was warned.
How MAN-ish
Whatever.
I had my glorious day from p1-6…first in class but I realized there are frens who are better than I was in studies. Lost my position and slipped. whooOooOssh. I fell… but I was till favoured in class and in choir. WHY?! I could sing higher than everyone. I could play the piano. Everytime I hear “Right Here Waiting”, I will think I wishful I had been when I was younger becos I failed to see there were many piano/music experts who would come into my life in DHS.
DHS/MEP…the reason why I went DHS was MEP… over there… I already knew that I cannot excel in studies…but I had choir and singing to keep me going. I had acquaintances whom I thought would become ever-lasting frens. Bullshit off course. Only a few survived.
I grew immensely jealous and lost a huge portion of my ego and self-esteem when I realized I am not “the best” in MEP class. To my horror, in choir…I was placed in Sop2 when the GUYS are in Tenor and Bass. Thank God I was transferred to join the guys soon after. Since my voice range was neither here nor there… I was ‘utilised” whenever required. I couldn’t be a proper bass neither nor a proper tenor. I suck.
BUT
With a God-given gift of light heartedness, smiling and ability to connect to different pple…click so to speak, I was seen as a happy-go-lucky person…WAH.. william was in cloud no 9…He nv seem down. He always chatter and hops around… have u ever thought why I hoped around. Have u thought it was becos whenever I know someone for too long, I know they are much stronger than I am in many areas…I feel dumb?!
Maybe that’s the reason why I’m liked a social butterfly!
Yifan, now u know why I’m so noisy?
I lost in track. I could have gotten in finals if I hadn’t fell 10m from the finishing. I possibly could have secured the one and only gold or silver individual track medal in my life. For that I had myself to blame cos I failed to heed my coach’s advice earlier in the day of the heats. I know I can run…
Went into VJ choir…I felt I was made used. Used as a bait so that my juniors who are vocally stronger than I feel that coming to vjchoir wouldn’t be a bad choice. Rmb I had good relations with many pple back in sec school… why why why… I think ‘kuay’ must have seen that potential in me. Afterall, wk got it in the vj team; not me.
Tenor leader…arh…wk was there and how I wished he was there for every sectional cos he was it and he would have been the better outta the two of us cos he was more charismatic and confident. Boys from boys’ school. Charisma and confidence.
No solo no crap no nothing and no longer active in choir.
Woohoo…ocs was amazing. My dad is proud. Mum too. I am. Still. Times in bmt when I finally no longer hold any responsibility other than a toilet ic, i felt free. Follow instruction and do. Cannot do, kena tekan and suffer…and tat’s it.
Got my bar, went to tekong…and many specs see ocifers as slackers, see us as nsf who takes more pay but do less work…I felt my ps more zai than I was. I felt he could command them as men better than I was. I only had bars. Only those gave me power to control them. Fake. Command respect…those recs were hard to come by.
2ic that time, oso cannot seem to stir and drive the company together. Politics and shit and division and power-struggle within the specs and up in the hqs. Crap.
MY PAINFUL AND SHOCKING LIFESTORY?
Somemore. This post is getting irritatingly draggy.
I dun get offended easily. Nod ur head if u agree!!!
I got hurt.
I feel hurt and ego burst. I dun deny.
I want to deal with it. When a new fren or stranger does smth to prick that boastful and proud ego of mine…I can learn how to take it.
When a close buddy does that…when he spoke with charisma and confidence, even if it is outta kind and helpful intention…in my face, in front of a group of close frens and strangers… I felt how the bitterness of a slit ego. Ugly.
Do u know how it feels to personally feel inadequate and incapable but yet given the chance and power to lead (dhs, vjchoir, raven coy)… I care so much how men look at me “are u sure u can do it”…
“are u the best?”…
Aren’t efficiency and productivity almost the same as having a freaking indemnity form? Isn’t that how the world works? EFFICIENCY, PRODUCTIVITY, CREATIVITY.
Why was I chosen man……u need someone who has ideaSSS… at least one who has experiences in stuff like what I am planning now.
I cannot bear to stop u bcos u were giving really excellent ideas. Quietness doesn’t give birth to ideas. I cannot and do not like to stop/interrupt pple when they seem to be enjoying their conversation in a meeting/on a phone/ while meeting frens over a tea.
I cannot take it but I have. I wanted to end the meeting but I can’t. They were tired alr. and I felt like a total idiot.
I suck at motivational speech…Jesus didn’t need to attend any course, but he could speak with wisdom and motivation; cos he’s God. I am not. When I spoke to rec, I was heartless. When I spoke to yaya participants, I sounded like a boot camp commander. When I spoke to tmt participants then, I was stared at cos I spoke as if they were my men.
I took a while to recover from yaya camp. Some comm. Members of mine were dynamic and I felt they performed better w/o my supervision…It wasn’t my idea of the crazy ubin trail u know. It was painstakingly planned by my buddy…I dun want to take the credit. It suxs to claim credits for things not done by youself. He was running the show. I was given the title. age maybe? I’m older.
Nonetheless…I had my share of joy and benefits out of the camp.
I struggled when I said grace before I consumed a bowl of soup.
Struggle because I know I am not at peace. Giving thanks and asking the Lord to bless the food before me didn’t seem right cos I have not settled the issue.
"This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."
I hafen had much confidence in singing (back up and not lead worship), in running (sports), in piano-playing, in leading in church activities…
Frens who are the closest really do sharpen my character and I believe u all will still continue to do that.
posted by WILLIAM @ 11:57 PM
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