Tuesday, December 08, 2009

of anxiety, probation and death

Pre-break anxiety
Someone in the office described my anxiety as pre-break anxiety. As some of you would know that I am clearing my leaves and is going overseas during the last week of December, back only on New Year Day. During the second half of this month, I wouldn’t be in office. If so, I would be clearing the backlogs =(, closing cases: summary report =(, prepare my covering officers and informing my clients too. And so, I am refraining from putting sessions then, thus packing my first half of December rather insanely packed. There are extensions, fresh application to the FA, as well as writing request letter to foundations on behalf of clients so as to enable them to cope financially, hmm, how about speaking to people ranging from daughters of client to helpful CDC officers and also other fellow workers in the field.. How can I forget about some whom I need to call and first appointment, follow ups. There seem to be millionz and one things to accomplish before my break. I yearn for the break even more.

Probation period
I am coming to an end of my 6 months probation. It is interesting to know that I do not have a namecard to represent me when I am bonded to this FSC when some of my peers have gotten theirs during the first 3 months of work.

I figured that I probably take a week long break every half a year. I started on 15th June, to be confirmed on 15th Dec. I have a week plus break end of Dec. Next year June, it’s church camp. I think if this break was to re-energise me, that church camp would probably serve that purpose too. And Dec 2010, I’ll take another long break. What an interesting prediction.

During this 6months, I was exposed to people’s lives. Negative ones off course and I was taught to draw the strength and drop the negative. Amplify their resources and strength. I picked up useful skills from a worker and she remained one of those workers whom I would be marveled when I see her being so encouraging to her clients. I was exposed to the people’s requests which are mainly triggered by environmental problems, structural policies that inevitably safeguard the majority of the people, causing these marginalized people even more sidelined. However, I am privileged to be part of some of their lives. Others, I’m afraid that I may cause more difficulties/concerns/barriers due to my inexperience, limited knowledge and skills.

During this 6 months, I realized that colleagues can be irritating yet fun loving at the same time.

During these 6 months, I have yet to realize that that a home visit kit is important and there is such thing call the “carbon memo”. HUH! I am quite apprehensive about my level of competency and knowledge about process from i/r level to case closure.

I am reflecting that whether I am using social work skills and knowledge or more of common-sense, lay-man skills and knowledge. Is there much to loss if I use more of latter than the former. What is the objective of using the former instead of the latter? Would that objective be met even so when the latter is used?

I was asked who is the client? Apparently, I swept aside SW4101’s knowledge. The answer: the FAMILY, not just the father, the grandfather, mother or cousin, it’s the FAMILY. I was quite disappointed la.

Last Tuesday, I was suddenly reminded why I chose social work. I haven’t felt motivated by that particular reason as I work. I chose to do social work because I come from a happy family and I desire to make that happen to my clients. NAÏVE?/IDEAL? Have I lost that part of my passion and social work is just connecting people to community resources? Cos I nv really been an advocate. I hope that break may spur me on.

Death
Last week, I almost attended 3 funeral, if not for the untimely notice.
1 was the grandma of a colleague who accepted Jesus as Lord 3 months b4 meeting the Lord. Hallelujah!
1 was one of my pastoral staff in church. He is Rev Sunil A, a Sri Lankan minister who probably has led the largest, if not one of the largest, Sri Lankan congregation in Singapore. A man who, when convicted, will pursue all the way. God planned His race and the story line that Christ has written for him came to an eventual end as a result of a battle with brain tumour that lasted 7 months. I remember him as a kind and sincere man who preaches of “His Grace and Mercy…”
1 was one of my elderly folks in the Chinese ministry. He battled with cancer also and has went home to be with the Lord. He is childless though he was married and has been taken care of his nephew. Initial request to baptize ah-gong met with disagreement. Later on, 4 days before ah-gong passed away, ah-gong’s nephew agreed to have him baptized.

Recently, a 5yr old girl was knocked down by an oncoming car along Edgedale Plains. She wouldn’t have survived that hit. She flew 80m. Her grandparents from China are devastated that their granddaughter would die shortly after they arrive here to look after her.

To me, the passing on little ones cause me more grief than older pp because older pp would have seen more, hear more, experience life more than younger ones. Then, would one have really live life to full purpose when one lives a ripe old age. All of us have life purpose. When that purpose is achieved, then God is ready to bring him home.

That said, Ps Sunil passed on at aged 51, MJ too. I was reminded that my dad is 51 this year. I was griped with fear for the fact that my dad may pass away in years to come and at the same time thankful that he is still alive despite his high BMI, HPB and osteoporosis. I am thankful that my parents and sisters are alive. They are still warm when I touch them and not cold icy like those who are dead. I try as much as possible to communicate with them. I cannot possibly imagine that extent of grief I would experience if any of my immediate family member was to passed away.

Last year, Ms Lo Hwei Yen was Singapore first victim to terrorist attack. She died in her 20s in Mumbai, miles from home, miles from her husband. Yet their heart beat as one. The Straits Time interviewed her husband one year on. He’s still devastated, unable to fully walk out of the shadow of death. I was sad, for him. It’s scary/tragic/heart-breaking to lose someone you love so so suddenly. I wouldn’t want that to happen to me. Nobody wants that. I actually am afraid to lose someone so dear.

Death, like many other milestones, is significant to human. I’ve been through, major exams, BMT, OCS, 21st birthday, people’s wedding, graduation, first pay-roll, first kiss. There are many others events that I can be part of …but there is something about parting from those you love, cherish, even for a lil, it hurts.

And I think I would experience that in the years to come, won't u?

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