Saturday, August 07, 2010

chronicles of william and his throat and dreams

it started on tuesday night. it was about 1015pm when i got home. I took my temperature, wala! my thermometer says 37.8 deg C. how?
1. send sms to different people letting them know that i may not be able to make it for activity on weekend
2. send sms to boss at work so she knows that i may be on MC the following day.
3. send sms to ask for prayer

a. took 2 panadols, drank herbal tea and prepared one bottle beside my bed incase i woke up in the middle of the night.
b. slept.

the next day, i was feeling groggy and weak, decided that going to see the doc would be the wiser choice and so i got a MC. He said that i needed no antibiotics, entrusting my recovery to my immune system. o wellz, ok lo.
i took nap on a lazy afternoon and by that time my fever has left and i was sure i was able to resume my lifestyle already. faith came and we had a simple dinner.
gr8!

skip thurs, come fri!
i took half day leave and met faith for lunch at ashton! came back and sang wbox.
what a disappointment, most of the songs we want to sing are not in the system!
went to CG thereafter. (...break....)

u see, the motivation of writing this blog is what happened during the cell, the dreams i had these few nights and also based on past instances when i thought about smth.
This smth refers to losses.

I do think of how i might react when one day i lose the ability of walking, eating, smelling, muscular strength, or even ability to perceive. Now, as i am medically and almost physically fit or un-challenged, i tell myself that i would be angry, at a lost but ultimately i would still be praising God's goodness and kindness in my life. I will be optimistic because of Jesus. (come to think of it, i think i want to be inspiring to others still...which is still about me...hmm). How would my loved ones respond to that significant life event of me lossing my abilities? How would u have responded to ur loved ones who experience such losses?

we have seen video of how nick vujicic overcome some of his physical barrier but i wonder how family members, friends would have responded or being treated when he was borne. He was borne in this condition but if any able-bodied person was to lose their 4 limbs, it'll still be different because there is a change. for mr nick, there was no "loss".

i am reminded that God does not look at the external appearance but one's attitude and heart.

(...back from break...)
i realised that i am losing my voice as faith and i went to cell. Neither my throat in pain, nor feeling sore, not even my tonsil was uncomfortable but i was losing my voice. it was scary, really. I thought i needed to keep quiet and rest it. But it sounded different and weird.
When it was time to sing at cell, my voice was barely audible, was low and i couldn't sing more than 10 plus notes. i heard some "wispy, like lao hong" that kinda sound instead. i was quite upset and i thought of the type of loss i was writing earlier. I kept going and singing and even praying knowing God would hear my heart and my voice. on the other hand, i was afraid and fearful that i couldn't sing no more and i would miss my imperfect voice and vocals.

I think it was either tues or wed night and last night, i dreamt that
1. i was trying my help a student in her A-level physics which is totally of my chart.
2. my throat was unwell, and in the dream, i met eugene, a college friend whom i am not in touch. He is a doctor now. He said my throat condition was bad and red and swollen.
3. i was trying hard to understand some maneuver strategies but was ridiculously mocked at in front of the rest of the cadets and officers when i expressed my doubts. i rmb feeling hurt and upset as my esteem was badly pricked.

i woke up affected by the dreams and my experience at cell.
1. why am i teaching physics?! yucks! to some extent, i associate physics classes, remedial and exams as trials, uncertainty, low-confidence, doubts, question marks, inertia and reluctance.
2. hur! what if i really loss my voice which has been my instrument of praise to my God. it was also it that brought me to places like hawaii and prague. Also, it was instrumental in drawing faith's attention.
3. Hah! OCS. honestly, i had difficulty recalling strategies, symbols, maneuvers, commands, let alone getting an active unit to battlefield. Nah, not my knowledge and strength. what more, i was laughed at in the presence of many peers.

At cell, edwin asked what are some things happening in Singapore that does not quite fit with so-called Christian values? I said, the fact that we have to work to be no1 all the time or just want to be no1. striving for excellence does not mean being no1. no1 is only one of many indications of being no1. the emphasis of being abled, no1 inevitably marginalised those who are no2, those who are challenged, those who are lower in the socio-economic strata for they would find it tough to find opportunities.

In a meritocratic state like singapore where work ethics are propounded by many, the power of grace is seldom spoke about.
Singapore: God's kingdom
work: rest
merit: grace
ranking: all loved the same
ability: person
efficient/fast: wait and be patient
catch up: run together
get the sales target/commission: those who labour in the Lord is not in vain (1Cor15:58)

Most of us are able to work, hve abilities of different kinds, qualifications of various levels. We may conveniently peg our identities and beings almost as closely to our abilities (to work, to sing, to study), and neglect/turn a blind side to Jesus.

One lesson i am learning in the past few days with my voice not here is that God loves me for who i was, i am and i will be; whether or not i could sing, or talk, do physics and resolve those cosintangent, or whether i am able to inspire and lead.

If not for Jesus for died for me, and rose again, and grace that brought me to accepting Him, i wouldn't be.

Monday, August 02, 2010

minor anxiety attack?

breathe william breathe.
I'm getting anxious and nervous with the many things i am doing now.

O Lord, pls pls give me some peace, quietness and allow me to work in state of rest.

the not-so-confident william is surfacing, inching its way into me.

i need u God

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